Why isn’t my Life Getting Better?

by Sandy Penny, Oct. 2013
There are three aspects of self that can prevent us from creating the life we truly want. Resistance, criticism, and defensiveness.

How do these three ways of being negate the positive expression of our true selves?

1. Resistance. Resistance activates without our conscious choice. Some of it is personality-driven. Some people automatically go into resistance to something new as a protective mechanism. Others just don’t like the idea that we didn’t come up with the suggestion ourselves. Resistance grows out of safety issues. If we feel safe in our current situation, even if it is not optimal, it is “the devil we know.” It seems easier to deal with what we know than to engage the unknown. Resistance is fear-driven.
Sometimes, resistance comes from not wanting to be told what to do by others. It may be a pattern that originated with an overbearing or incompetent parent or authority figure. However it began, it may be standing in the way of your new and good. And, last but not least, resistance is a habit, and habits can be changed, with intention and practice.

2. Criticism. Criticism may be of ourselves or others. You come up with a cool new idea, and immediately, something inside you starts criticizing it. “That won’t work. If it was a good idea, someone would already have done it. Who do you think you are to think you can do something no one else is doing? Who is Joe Blow to make suggestions to me on what to do with my life? Where is the money going to come from? I don’t have time for this nonsense. That guy is trying to tell me what to do, and his life is not that great.” Geez, just thinking up those words wore me out.  I almost stopped writing this article. But, onward.

One of the tools I’ve found to stop the stream of criticism is to immediately say to myself or the person suggesting something, “Well, that’s an interesting idea.” It doesn’t commit you to anything, but it leaves you open to exploring further. “What an innovative way to look at the issue.” “How good could it be if this worked?” Proactive thinking is not passive positivity. it is not la la land. It is being open-minded enough to consider new possibilities. And to recognize that sometimes other people bring us ideas that we could not receive without outside input because we are entrenched in the status quo. 

 
3. Defensiveness. Defensiveness comes when we feel we are being attacked or threatened. We may not actually be attacked or threatened, but we feel that way. So, we start defending our actions, defending our circumstances, defending our lack. And, by defending it, we are giving it more power and further cementing it into our lives.

 
Defensiveness usually stems from critical parents who assume the worst about our actions. We may have constantly had to justify ourselves to avoid punishment. After years of developing this strategy, it’s easy to use it to avoid change, even change that we would like in our lives.
All these patterns are fear-driven, and we cannot create a positive life from a fear-based mentality. So, our first order of business is to move into a more loving place with ourselves, others, and the world at large.

 
I always suggest starting where you are and moving yourself gently into a new reality. If you are resistant to change, ask yourself how the resistance serves you. Then ask yourself if that is a valid use of your energy. Then ask yourself what life would be like if you stopped resisting whatever you are resisting. Then ask yourself if you would like that life without the resistance. Then ask yourself how you can best embrace your new and good. Then ask yourself to support you in creating that new reality by providing ideas, steps, and means to get there.

If you automatically go into critical mode, ask yourself if you like being criticized that way. Then thank yourself for protecting you, and ask that you be protected in new and different ways as you make changes that will benefit the whole you.

 
It's important to get all the seemingly negative aspects of yourself on board with a new and better reality because the truth is that everything you’ve been doing was serving a purpose for intended good in your life. By enlisting those parts of yourself in the new venture, you can avoid the self-sabotage that old patterns create when they are not honored as a part of your wholeness.

With the defensive aspects of self, you will usually find hurt little children in your makeup. These children want to feel safe, so you have to find ways to reflect safety back to them.  You have to help them feel like it’s not their fault if something goes wrong. They are afraid of being blamed and afraid of being less than, afraid that they won’t succeed, and if they do it will just mean more responsibilities that you can’t live up to. It is your job to affirm that you are capable of doing everything that will create a better life. Also, it is easier to enlist children in helping you than to try and command them to do something. That will only kick in resistance.

I use a three-pronged affirmation process to counteract defensiveness.

 
1. You claim what you want in the now. Example: “I have a wonderful new job.”
2. Gratitude. “I am so thankful for my amazing new job.”
3. Love. “I love my new job, and I do it well.”

 
Each time negative self-talk starts in response to an idea, use the affirmation/confirmation process to interrupt the pattern.

This is a time when change is happening at a fast pace. This is a time to accept your  “response-ability.”
You have the ability to positively respond to life’s changes. You are awesome, wonderful and uniquely capable of doing what you came to this planet to do. You’re one of a kind, and you deserve to fulfill all your heart’s and soul’s desires.
That’s the heart’s honest truth.

 
http://sandypenny.com

The Power to Write

Just a little trip down memory lane on my
spiritual writing journey.

The Power to Write

By Sandy Penny . Oct. 2013

It was the spring of 1963. John F. Kennedy had just been shot in November. The country was still reeling from the shock of the youngest and most beloved president in our lifetime being snuffed out before he could really make his mark on the government. His patriotic words still rang in our hearts and minds, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

I was in the eighth grade, my last year in elementary school. That was before they had a middle school. Finally, we were kings of the hill, the pinacle of childhood power before we become the babies again in high school. It was kind of symbolic that our class took a field trip to the Illinois Power Company to see how electricity is generated, how we get the power that lights up our lives.

I found it interesting to see the piles of coal waiting to be shoveled into monstrous furnaces. I’m not sure I still remember the whole process now, but it was definitely a better way to spend the day than sitting in class in the springtime. Having a natural talent for writing, I was thrilled that there would be an essay contest to see who could best recount the power generating process after the field trip. I paid special attention and made notes along the way. I took my writing seriously even then.

Our teachers would choose the best in the class and give out a $25 gift certificate for a local bookstore as the prize. The winners from all the eighth grade classes in the the county schools would compete for other prizes. The county winners would compete in a statewide contest for shares of Illinois Power Company stock, two shares worth about $100, a lot of money in my neighborhood. I had no real hope of winning, so I just wrote what I remembered from the trip.

In those days, I was not confident in my writing abilities, but I won the class prize, and my essay went on to the county contest. I was told it would take a while before all the judging occurred, and that the winner would be notified later. The school year ended, and I completely forgot about the contest. You know how kids are, their minds are only on what’s happening in the moment.

One day in the late summer, I was babysitting for my nephews when a man in a suit knocked on the door. He asked if I was Sandra DuBoise, and I said I was. I couldn’t imagine what a man in suit wanted with me. I stepped out on the porch, not wanting to invite a stranger into the house when no adults were home. He shook my hand, treating me like an adult, and said, “Do you remember entering the essay writing contest for the Illinois Power Company?” I said I did, and he said, “You won.” I said, “Yes, I know, I got a $25 gift certificate.” “No,” he said, “You won the county and the statewide contests. For the county prize, you get a lamp, a dictionary and a Thesaurus, and for the state contest, you get two shares of Illinois Power Company Stock. How does it feel to be a shareholder in the power company.”

That didn’t mean much to me as a young teenager, except that if I sold it, it was worth about $100, and if I kept it, it could be worth more money in the future. Living in the projects, no one talked much about investing in the stock market. Soon after that day, I dressed up in my Sunday best and put on my shoes (in the summer, we all went barefoot until school started again), and a photographer took my picture with my lamp and dictionary for the local newspaper. They interviewed me, and I have no idea what I said. I was a little bit of a celebrity for a minute or two, but life went on.

I graduated from high school with honors and received a scholarship to MacMurray, then a women’s college in Jacksonville, Illinois. I was number nine of 10 children, and the first one to get to college. What they didn’t mention about scholarships back then was that they don’t pay for everything. I tried to get a job in the little town, but all the jobs seemed to be taken by those who had been there the year before. I struggled with the financial piece, and was getting more and more depressed. The student counselor told me about loans to help with that, so I took out a loan because I just could not ask my family for money. They just didn’t have it. I had always worked for what I wanted since I was old enough to do odd jobs for people. I babysat, ironed clothes for neighbors, collected soda bottles for the two cent deposit and eventually worked in the city library, my favorite job. I didn’t like the idea of borrowing money either.

Eventually the stress of the money situation took its toll on my ability to concentrate on my studies, and I decided I should probably just leave school, get a job and start earning a living for myself. I didn’t know how that would happen. I didn’t even have enough money to get back home. I really didn’t want to go back home either, but believing in a benevolent God, I prayed for help to resolve the situation.

A few days later, I got a letter from my mother. That was unusual. She didn’t write often. In the letter was the stock certificate for the two shares of Illinois Power Company Stock. She wrote simply, “I thought you might need this right now.” My mother had always had a sixth sense about her children and seemed to know exactly what we needed when we needed it. She had come through for me again.

I asked someone at school how to sell the stock, and they said there was a local banker who could handle it. I went to see him, and he bought the stock for $100. I withdrew from college, bought a bus ticket to Houston, Texas, where my sister lived and began my journey with $50 in my pocket. 

I always thought it was fitting that a prize I had won for my writing paid for my ticket to the place where I would eventually create my writing life.